Sunday, March 25, 2012: I did it! My longest run this year, 12 miles. Traveling on Howard Avenue and 76th Street all the way to glistening Lake Michigan plus a handful of twists and turns, ending at the FFEB Center. Done. Finished. Proud. An accomplishment I enjoyed through sore feet, tired ankles, a potty stop, walking spells to eat and a lot of mental talk. One more journey on my way to the Cellcom Green Bay full marathon, May 20, 2012.
Running solo has been a welcomed escape this year. Lately, I’ve been feeling rushed, guilty and anxious. The entire time, trying to figure out what’s going on. Does it have to do with too much esperesso, an overwhelming work schedule, pressure from transitioning my business, a messy house, not enough or too much training… DAH!!!
It’s easy to freak out and become overwhelmed, adding more items to my To Do list which continuously shifts from family to work; love to exercise; food to spiritually. Cool. Fine. Whatever, I get it. What miffs me are the “icky” feelings that have accompanied it lately. Why? Well, I’ve realized that all this list making has been a “doing stuff without actually getting anything worth while done” distraction.
So what gives? Money?… Focus?… Energy?… Time?… Fear?
Ah… fear. I’ll admit that I hate feeling afraid. It’s a personal place of impatience, insecurity, apprehension, uncertainty, and loneliness. It’s one emotion, however, I’m learning to appreciate for what it’s there to teach or show me, especially through running. Thankfully, I’m letting myself go to there more and more often these days. (How? Well, that’s an entirely different blog I’ll share next month and in our e-zine, Health Matters.)
“Getting comfy in being uncomfy,” has become one of my favorite mantras. I also like to call it “hanging out in the pain cave“. During a training run last month, I found myself thinking “I really want to stop, but I want to finish more.” Translating this realization and confidence to races, I’m able to push through and finish, invariably beat up. The gem of a lesson is that not only will I survive, I’ll come out the other side stronger than when I went in.
When I started Fitness for EveryBODY, people told me “Starting a business is so hard. How will you make money?” They scoffed, “Are you sure you want to do this?” “Hell yah“, I assured myself, letting their questions energize me. “Ha, I’ll show them! They couldn’t be more wrong…. jerks.”
Well, starting a new business was relatively easy. Maintaining and growing it has been tough… when I make tough. And that’s where I am now, growing my business and scared to death of actually doing it. I’ll have to let people in, collaborate, trust more and holy hell – be vulnerable. Crap! I hate being vulnerable. Yet, in my most vulnerable times, I’ve attained and learned the most.
From falling in love with my husband, to starting FFEB and asking friends their honest opinions, it’s tough to be open. It’s tough to be judged. What I do with the feedback, the judgement, is where I’ve gotten caught. Up to this point, I’ve allowed myself to be defined by limitations, safe in their embrace.
I like simple. I like easy. With the endless options of what to do, it gets confusing on when to keep it simple and when to push. But, can’t it be simple and easy with a healthy dose of uncomfy tossed in?
Scary or not, I owe it to myself to be in that “uncomfy” space longer, a lot longer. I’ve got a good idea of what to do next yet still have lingering fears of letting folks down, letting folks in and missing an opportunity or messing it up entirely. Regardless, experience, intelligence and confidence have lead me this far and fear has definitely played it role helping me attain the seemingly unattainable. From beating my PR in two consecutive 5K races to establishing a partnership with another business, I’m willing to go out on a limb knowing the payoff is worth it.
I’ve got to put myself out there to attain the goals I’ve established which includes keeping both of us healthy, happy and frisky. I must, I must, I MUST.